The Joys of Home Ownership (or How I Discovered I’m Not Joe Handyman), Pt. 2

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Photo credit: Eniko Polgar || License: CCO

Photo credit: Eniko Polgar || License: CCO

[This is Part 2 of a 3-part story. You can read part 1 HERE.]

You have to understand something about me before you’ll fully appreciate this story: Not only am I not Joe Handyman. I’m also not Joe Outdoorsman.

I hate camping. If you take me camping, within about 45 minutes of arriving at the campsite, I’ll be thinking, “Just shoot me.”

One of the primary reasons I hate camping is I don’t like feeling unwashed, dirty, grungy, or muddy.

Especially muddy.

I’m a wimp, okay?

Now, keep that in mind as we return to my underground heated swimming pool.

At this point in my life, I had not yet realized that I’m not good at fixing things. Instead, I decided that I would take on this challenge and vanquish it.

Joe Handyman to the rescue!

First task was to drain the water from under the house. I went to the local rental center and rented a sump pump. In short order, I had the water pumping out through our bedroom window and into the street. Piece of cake.

My confidence soaring, it was now time for phase two of the project. I had to find the leak.

Given that the water under the house was hot, I had a pretty good idea that the leak was coming from the hot water heater. (I know. My powers of deduction amaze me at times.)

In a direct line, the distance from the scuttle hole in our bedroom closet to the water heater couldn’t have been more than 10 feet, give or take a foot. All I had to do was go down through the hole and crawl the ten feet to the water heater, figure out where the leak was and what I needed to fix it, and then get the supplies and do the job.

I had this well in hand.

Until I went through the scuttle hole.

First, I’m not a particularly small person, so getting down under the floorboards was…how shall I say this…interesting.

Photo credit: Skeeze | | License: CCO

Photo credit: Skeeze | | License: CCO

I put on an old T-shirt and jeans and descended into the blackness. Well actually, I couldn’t descend very easily. I just sat down.

In cold mud.

Then I kind of had to skooch forward on my bottom until I was lying on my back.

In cold mud.

Next I had to figure out how to turn over. I don’t remember how I managed it, but I rolled onto my stomach.

Did I mention that the mud was cold?

So, now I’m soaked to the bone in cold mud, front and back, lying on my stomach and ready to belly crawl just a few feet to the water heater.

One problem.

Underneath the house was a labyrinth of old and new pipes, entirely blocking any direct path to the water heater.

I managed to work my way around until I was pointing the other direction. (Don’t ask how.)

The only way I could possibly get to the water heater and the leak was to belly crawl away from the heater, toward the front of the house, turn right and go the width of our bedroom, turn right again and crawl the length of the bedroom and several feet down the hallway.

On my stomach.

In cold. January. mud.

But the indignities were only beginning.

To be continued…on Friday.


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